Restlessness and Recession

Due to the pressures of life and the unpredictability that it brings, I find myself receding into the "once was". I was once a video game addict, though I play video games now, it has taken a back seat. But I find myself trying to escape the pressures of life again. The shell pulls me in seeking the comfort of it's hardness and ability to withstand and let the pressure pass. The support of an online community to assist with issues not related to the nakedness of real life. My avatar, my surrogate beckons me with the illusion of reward and emulated success. This life, I love. It will always be a part of me, it influences me and is a part of my core. I've spent too much time in that world however and as it tries to seep back into my veins, making me feel safe but I must pull away. Like any addiction, along the way a restlessness occurs. The actual world tries to pull you back but it's influence lacks the same amount of strength.

Like mother always says, moderation is best. Understood but likely mother doesn't know all which is involved. The constant desensitization of humanization everywhere we go is something hard to escape. Information is thrown at us everywhere we go and standards have been made to socialize. Those who feel they have a grasp on those standards seem blind to me. To socialize is to give way and self to your environment. Is it possible that these individuals have lost more than they have bargained?

Being aware of where your innate instincts lie through socialization does not come without stress. This ability to place yourself on this spectrum allows for a deeper, more intense expression. When comfort is achieved in self-expression, something is wrong. The ability to capture what you want... is that even possible? I think of art as nothing but conceptualization. The ability to achieve what is intended is valuable, but there is always something missing. To be okay with that and to say a piece is "complete" is giving up. The piece is always in progress and always will be because what is in your head can never fully be brought into this world.

By "completing" a piece, we are fooling ourselves. We freeze that moment of conceptualization to feel comfortable, we fall into the shell for as long as the world doesn't attempt to pull us back out, or at least until we realize this. For something to be "complete," is for something to have limitations. This is why we are sucked into these other worlds because there is the thought or illusion of completing something wholly.

Realization

For some reason I feel as if I am incredibly "bored" with living at home... Living in northern California for my whole life... My visit to Fresno was... Fantastic. To say the least. I got to see everyone I wanted. I saw the garden co-op my cousin and his roommates are a part of. I "train boxed". I must say that is one of the most epic experiences I have had in a long time. It is such a thrill. I suggest it. But quite honestly, being with Philip made me feel at ease. For some reason, he is the one person who I truly feel comfortable around. I know he will end up reading this. I am okay with it. I quite honestly feel as if I were down there, I would be more motivated than I am now... Which is something I so desperately need right now in my life. I so badly want to get back in school but I feel as if going to school in Santa Rosa would be pointless... Eventually I will figure it out... Once my mind stops running a million different ways...